This morning at 08:00 EST Donald Trump’s campaign issued this announcement:
Donald Trump has withdrawn his candidacy
and will no longer be running for President of the United States.
After months of research his campaign
manager has revealed that plots to assassinate Mr. Trump have been developed by
The Secret Service, Vladimir Putin, Megyn Kelly, Rosie O’Donnell, Women in
general, the Pope, Fox News, the Liberal Media, Planned Parenthood, Egyptians,
The Republican Establishment, Ted Cruz, John Kasich, Minorities, Mexicans,
Muslims, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, David Cameron, Robert
Mugabe, his own research department (Hollywood and TV) and, most amazingly
surprisingly, Israel, some countries in the Middle East like Africa, and of
course China.
While Mr. Trump understands that people who
wanna take you down are just jealous he feels that all these groups are getting
too much attention from the media and taking the spotlight away from him which
isn’t fair.
And, you know, well, China is just.
Amazing.
Mr. Trump is a very brave man, a very, very
truth man, a very, very, very intelligent man, and a very, very, very, very
rich man. An amazingly rich and intelligent man. He wants to assure his loyal
supporters that he still cares about them and women you know should be punished
if they have an abortion. And that they can find him through his new offices
where he has been invited to Make the KKK Great Again. He invites them all to
follow him. As for China.
Mr. Trump is very hurt because he is a
very, very, very, very, very, amazingly sensitive man. He loves women and well,
you know, China. He is currently being fitted for his new robes.
Rumors that Mr. Trump is withdrawing from
the race because he is scared he'll be beaten are all a lie generated by the
KGB which Mr. Trump has discovered is in league with Planned Parenthood and the
American Society for Issuing False Birth Certificates.
Mr. Trump has learned also about amazingly
secret campaigns to stop him as a candidate. Mr. Trump cannot say any more
about that for now because they're amazing and secret and he doesn't want the
media to get hold of them because that would take the spotlight away from him
which isn't fair. It's amazing how unfair it is.
Mr. Trump denies accusations of sulking and
dying his hair and his face orange. "My hands are not small," he said.
Other rumors about his impending bankruptcy and investigation by the CIA, the FBI and those tax people, are bullshit says Mr. Trump. So that can't be the reason why he has chosen to withdraw from the campaign can it? "I'm not a liar," he shouted, waving a steak around. "I tell it like it is." And the Getty Images photograph of him comparing the size of his dick to his thumb - “Well,” he said, “in that department I can assure you."
